When I choose to look at me; to fix me, analyze me, change me and find fault with me; constantly trying to figure out what is wrong with me; the image I behold in that mirror will always be distorted, marred, cracked and broken – for on the cross – Jesus, You crushed the head of the enemy; You crushed the accuser and with him – the mirror of accusation that was held before my face. The reflection of who I was before – I AM – stepped inside of me to give me a new reflection; a new identity. That mirror is cracked, broken and crushed along with the lies in which my old identity was formed. How foolish to try and find myself inside a mirror You have already broken! But yet I try, amidst the broken pieces, to put that unredeemed image back together again; only cutting deeper into my already mutilated soul. I strive to find my value in a reflection which has none….so in my hopelessness, I vainly cover all my cuts from that broken mirror that I’ve tried so hard to put back together again, with filthy rags and masks that hide who I think I really am…who I’ve come to believe I really am…who I’ve accepted as my true identity. The lies feel more real that the truth that feels so impossible and from that place of guilt and shame; of hating who I think I am…I wrestle to find rest in settling for less….looking so desperately for love, acceptance, peace, and value, I turn to empty things and others who love to cut me deeper with that broken mirror I carry in my hand. Yes, even some who say they know You, compel me to continue looking into a marred reflection that will never measure up, be enough; please the ones that don’t even matter or care enough to wrestle that mirror out of my hand. So I settle….in a place I think I belong, where I have what I deserve…this is my destiny, this is who I am…but then…suddenly, one who looks like the You I knew oh so many years ago, when still as a little girl, I heard about Your love and forgiveness…your washing away of all my guilt and shame….of making me look like You, this someone who has left the comfort of that church down the street to walk in here….to dare walk into my darkness and take this broken mirror out of the death grip I have on this image. I turn expecting to see judgement, accusation, and yet another finger pointing in blame at my shame…telling me what I should and should not do…. but to my surprise all I behold is You…Jesus…is it really You…I mean, could it really be You? I thought I had to clean myself up before I could see You, after all, don’t only the pure in heart see God? I gave up so long ago…what’s the point?…I just can’t seem to measure up. I just can’t become what I really want to be; who You want me to be. I want to hide from You, but I feel drawn to You; ever so gently pulled toward You Who I faintly remember as being the One Who is Love; Who pursues the broken pieces in me out of a relentless desire to redeem all that is marred and torn; a jealous Love that knows no bounds; no walls; no height; no depth; even if it was I that erected those walls to keep me in and keep everyone else out. You, in your amazing, unrelenting, grace chase me to the very bottom of myself and in that place….you bid me come….just as I am. And once again…I come. I take my shattered mirror and lay it at Your feet and choose to lift up my head, look into your eyes of liquid love and see my reflection of true identity in the One who is Love. I remember now; how quickly I had I forgotten. But now I know as I look at You and now truly see me, that my identity never was about me but was always about You, because You now compel me to believe that as You are, so am I. You are my true identity.
Marred reflections
July 26, 2013 by lisasrestingplace
I hope you are getting my messages Lisa. I think out of all the blogs, this one has left me undone. Such a long wilderness journey I have been on. So much to say…..not enough space. However, I am in this season right now for sure. You obviously have been there and came out holding HIS hand. Thank you for the pioneering you have done. Leaving such gems of wisdom for all of us.
Angela
Thank you Angela. It’s nice to know that gems can be gathered from the wilderness! Be encouraged…and remember God is faithful to the end. His character and His truth always trump our current experiences. I pray you can see where He is for you in this season…and which attribute of His character He longs to reveal to you. Keep moving forward…you’ve got this! 🙂